THE LAND OF THE FREE … AND THE NOT SO FREE ~ Chapter One

THE LAND OF THE FREE … AND THE NOT SO FREE

Chapter One

When the Shit Hit the Fan

Now there was this big land called the Land of the Free.

It was vast and spacious. It was a land of plenty. And it had millions and millions of people living in it. It was so vast that it dominated the world. And it liked that kudos. It had power that ran into mega power. It had money that ran into mega bucks. What it wanted, it had. Sometimes, it could get a bit too big for its boots - you know, like the playground bullies - and just as in the playground when the bullies get taken down a peg or two, so too, occasionally, this would happen in the Land of the Free.

But by and large, the people living there were free and happy until, that is, the terrifying night of 20 November 2016, the night when the shit hit the fan and the dish ran away with the spoon. The night the Land of the Free became known, worldwide, as Trumpton. But about that, more later.

Because the land was so vast, though, they had to take aeroplanes – but they call them airplanes as they tend to find English words of three or more syllables a little daunting - to fly around it. A bit like thatt other good old English word ‘trousers’. That’s two syllables so it’s pushing it a bit. So some bright spark came up with ‘pants’. Great. Except they didn’t cotton on to the confusion it might cause. So when they came into the First Wold War and then the Second World War, kicking and screaming and always late, ‘da peeple’ couldn’t work out why the Brit Ladies delivered some well aimed smacks across the chopper when bozoz demanded to know where their pants were. But in Brit land and its humongous world empire (which tended to make the Land of the free and the Not So Free look a tad smaller), the Land of the Free ambassador to the Court of Saint James in London let his side down - no not literally, Penelope, pay attention - by not explaining that in Brit English pants means thatt which cover genitalia, you know, that area where you don’t go wandering uninvited.

Anyway, back to the main story and oh what a story this is going to be, taking us right up to a Coup attempt on Capitol Hill on 6 January 2021, the same day, some odd bods erected a huge wooden, but razor sharp, full size french-style guillotine; you know, that where Marie Antionette lost her head in France and where a very nasty little odd bod called Adolf Hitler decided that the guillotine was apt for his very definitely land of the totally imprisoned and vicious and bulls with rings through their noses in an equally troublesome city down history called Berlin. But that’s another story. For another time.

Now the Land of the Free, being vast, was divided into sections which got called states. Not independent states, just states. That didn’t mean that some states didn’t see themselves as independent states. Oh no!

And these states too were in many cases vast. They dwarfed other lands around the world, even though many of those lands were big too.

So people, a lotta people, didn't actually travel to other lands. It was enough for them to travel in and out of their own internal lands. And as the country is so vast, these people, the majority, hadn't even got to visit their capital city. But as they saw it on the news every day, they felt, well sort of, that they were always there anyway. This made them all feel big and important, which is okay; but it's not so okay when feeling big and important made them start to think that only they did things the right way; you know, when bigheads get self-righteous.

But being the land of the free, they had an open mind; well, a fairly open mind.

But there were some bad people amongst the good people. They were loud and bigoted, those were the worst. Then there were the bigheads and the pinheads which were a curious mix of the loud and bigoted - you might call it a bit of a lethal concoction.

The bigheads swore a lot, and they lived two lifestyles. They liked to think they were movie stars, and they took the view that everyone else was there to serve them and them only. The bigheads saw everything in the form of pay grades, a sort of systemic psycho hurdle. Hence, the bigheads would forever put the pinheads down with their booms that’s above your pay-grade pinhead. Except they didn’t say pin head but sort of rolled it all up into pinn...edddd. You know, a bit like that very, very complicated old Brit saying “I am going to” which they managed to reduce to two words and three syllables max! Blimey, they did well that day ... I’m gonna!

I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna swear on da bible, I’m gonna not do that coz it’s buv my paygrade.

You get the gist.

Good job that only thirty-seven per cent of the bigheads and pinheads had passports.

For the sixty-three per cent great unwashed, who do all their world travelling through their box sets, if, God forbid, they did it for real, there would be an awful lot of great unwashed shitty pants.

Right. Come along everyone. Bed time.

No, I told you. I’ll read a bit every night or so.

Come along Gerry. No. don’t do that. That’s not nice.

What do you mean, Lizzie, he eats it too?!

To be Continued

30 July 2023

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© 2023 Kenneth Thomas Webb